Who Will Remember Me?

It's funny how a passing comment can resonate, damage and stick with you. One night at dinner a family member was teasing my husband about no one coming to his funeral and another member, thinking they were defending him or trying to be funny as well,  said that I would be the one no one would come to see.

So now, months later I am still wondering if what she says is true. If I were gone tomorrow, would it matter to anyone besides my husband and child? Sometimes it feels like the answer would be no. I often feel like I am ghosting through life, not making an impression but flitting in and out of lives. I am always suprised when someone tells me I was a big part of their life, my first reaction is doubt.

Much of my life I have felt inadequate. I can't live up to people's expectations, I don't even know what those expectations are. I was able to ignore this feeling more often when I was growing up because I had friends to fill the void. Now, living here, I am removed from all my friends back in New Mexico and I feel it. I feel that hunger for someone to understand me. I want to scream out for someone to recognize that I am acting against my inherent character.

I just want someone to tell me it is ok to put down my sword and sheild. I don't need to fight off people and their opinions. It isn't true and won't be true as long as I live here. I will always be the screw up, the one who causes problems, I will never be me. I don't like fighting or having people be mad at me. I want people to like me.

I am tired of being someone else. I am tired of looking in the mirror and not recognizing the face looking back.

Good Enough

This last week has been a tough one. There has been some crazy things going on at work that have totally made me want to stress eat. I have managed to mostly keep things under control.

I have been struggling with my personal fight or flight responses. I tend to push everything away and cocoon into myself. Our scale broke somehow one night, so I haven't weighed myself in a while. I am afraid I haven't lost any weight but at the same time I feel like I am doing better foodwise.

I worry that the ladies who are in charge of me in the Kaiser Bariatric program will not think I want this. I do want to participate in this program and am just trying to slowly work on my own emotional issues, sorting through them and letting go of the things I can and telling myself I am enough. That phtase is the hardest for me. I am enough. There was a movie that came out called Mom's Night Out and let me tell you, it was like someone had found the inner-most emotions in my soul and plastered them on a screen. So much of that movie speaks to me. I like watching it, the scene where the main character talks to a biker in a police station is the most important to me. She keeps saying she isn't enough and he says "Enough for who? For them or for you?" something like that. It is true, when I feel not good enough who is holding the ruler? It is me. I am telling myself I am not good enough.

I have been working on calming this feeling when I feel it. Recognizing that this feeling isn't how the world sees me is very important to this process. I tell myself that I am the only one who can determine my personal value and I am the only one who can make that value stick.

I'm baaaaaack!

I rejoined Planet Fitness last week but kept finding reasons why I couldn't go in to work out. Well, today we got up at 5:30am and went to the gym.

I walked on the treadmill longer than I ever have, may not be much for others, but I was so stoked. Yay me! Was kind of stiff for the rest of the day but it was still worth it.

I need to keep this up if I want to change my life. I don't want to stay where I am.

Pushing Myself

Yesterday I decided to test out something I had secretly feared for a few years. I rode a bike. It was not easy, I had to spend time giving myself a pep talk. All the while A and the neighbor kids were asking my I wasn't just riding and my DH was standing by to support me.

It was too much. I asked them all to leave me to myself. And in the end I had to tell myself "Just go." Ibdidn't go far and I definitely wasn't fast but I did it.

Each time I choose to push past these invisible barriers I feel more empowered. I have also realized that the most important motivator is me. Someone can tell me I can do it a hundred times, but until I tell myself and I believe... it won't happen.

I pray that I can continue to be bold. Continue to push past my barriers. And succeed in all my goals. A healthy, able person. I am tired of saying "I can't" to my son. I want to say "I WILL."

Doggie Camp

Doggie Camp

We have been watching my sister in law's dog and her sister's dog as well for the weekend. It has been interesting to say the least. My dog thinks she is Prom Queen and all the other dogs are beneath her. A has been having a blast having the dogs in his room. I made them all bandanas that say Camp #friendsbyforce. They looks so cute in them!

The good thing about having the dogs is we went on a couple walks, until my ankle started hurting bad enough I had to not go. One day my ankle will be healed. I am focusing on if it feels better than yesterday. It mostly does (with the exception of yesterday). I think the last few tendons are just taking longer to heal.

The pups go home today but I am going to try to take my dog for more walks. It was nice to get out first thing in the morning and enjoy the nice cool air.

Lo Carbin' My Lunch

Lo Carb (Keto) lunch ideas!

Meatballs (4), mozzarella cheese (about 1/8 c), mushrooms (about 1.5 sliced), lo carb marinara (3-4 TBS or more on preference), and crushed red peppers (just a pinch) makes a delicious lunch! It is lo carb and filling!

I am using the Rubbermaid "easy find lids" 1.25 cup (296 ml) container.

New Day

Man! Yesterday was an emotional day. I got in a funk so now I gotta dig out of it! Sometimes it is easy to get down and be hard on yourself.

I am strong, I am a good person, and I deserve to be happy and healthy.

So, let's see what's been going on with my goals...

I have been trying to get better about what I put in my mouth. I had a few days of slip ups with peanut butter cookies. And a couple days where we ended up having to eat out a few times. I should have planned a little better.

I haven't gotten the hang of measuring food. I feel like I have been guestimating well, I try to add a little more to whatever I think I ate. So that even if I am off a bit I will still have it covered. I have been trying to eat more of the low calorie veggies and less of the more calorie dense parts of the meals. So we have been buying lots of different veggies... Mmmm snap peas...

Activity-wise, my ankle is still hurtingnbut I have been stretching it multiple times a day and trying to get in some form of excersize as many days as I can. We also had a day this week where we took a family walk and picked some fresh blackberries. Everyone seemed to have a good time.

I also have realized I really need to focus on positive self-talk. I need to be able to love myself no matter the size. When you sit down to make a list of things you like about yourself, you should be able to come up with something without there being a but involved.

I am strong, I am a good person, and I deserve to be happy and healthy.