Good Enough

This last week has been a tough one. There has been some crazy things going on at work that have totally made me want to stress eat. I have managed to mostly keep things under control.

I have been struggling with my personal fight or flight responses. I tend to push everything away and cocoon into myself. Our scale broke somehow one night, so I haven't weighed myself in a while. I am afraid I haven't lost any weight but at the same time I feel like I am doing better foodwise.

I worry that the ladies who are in charge of me in the Kaiser Bariatric program will not think I want this. I do want to participate in this program and am just trying to slowly work on my own emotional issues, sorting through them and letting go of the things I can and telling myself I am enough. That phtase is the hardest for me. I am enough. There was a movie that came out called Mom's Night Out and let me tell you, it was like someone had found the inner-most emotions in my soul and plastered them on a screen. So much of that movie speaks to me. I like watching it, the scene where the main character talks to a biker in a police station is the most important to me. She keeps saying she isn't enough and he says "Enough for who? For them or for you?" something like that. It is true, when I feel not good enough who is holding the ruler? It is me. I am telling myself I am not good enough.

I have been working on calming this feeling when I feel it. Recognizing that this feeling isn't how the world sees me is very important to this process. I tell myself that I am the only one who can determine my personal value and I am the only one who can make that value stick.

I'm baaaaaack!

I rejoined Planet Fitness last week but kept finding reasons why I couldn't go in to work out. Well, today we got up at 5:30am and went to the gym.

I walked on the treadmill longer than I ever have, may not be much for others, but I was so stoked. Yay me! Was kind of stiff for the rest of the day but it was still worth it.

I need to keep this up if I want to change my life. I don't want to stay where I am.

Pushing Myself

Yesterday I decided to test out something I had secretly feared for a few years. I rode a bike. It was not easy, I had to spend time giving myself a pep talk. All the while A and the neighbor kids were asking my I wasn't just riding and my DH was standing by to support me.

It was too much. I asked them all to leave me to myself. And in the end I had to tell myself "Just go." Ibdidn't go far and I definitely wasn't fast but I did it.

Each time I choose to push past these invisible barriers I feel more empowered. I have also realized that the most important motivator is me. Someone can tell me I can do it a hundred times, but until I tell myself and I believe... it won't happen.

I pray that I can continue to be bold. Continue to push past my barriers. And succeed in all my goals. A healthy, able person. I am tired of saying "I can't" to my son. I want to say "I WILL."

Doggie Camp

Doggie Camp

We have been watching my sister in law's dog and her sister's dog as well for the weekend. It has been interesting to say the least. My dog thinks she is Prom Queen and all the other dogs are beneath her. A has been having a blast having the dogs in his room. I made them all bandanas that say Camp #friendsbyforce. They looks so cute in them!

The good thing about having the dogs is we went on a couple walks, until my ankle started hurting bad enough I had to not go. One day my ankle will be healed. I am focusing on if it feels better than yesterday. It mostly does (with the exception of yesterday). I think the last few tendons are just taking longer to heal.

The pups go home today but I am going to try to take my dog for more walks. It was nice to get out first thing in the morning and enjoy the nice cool air.

Lo Carbin' My Lunch

Lo Carb (Keto) lunch ideas!

Meatballs (4), mozzarella cheese (about 1/8 c), mushrooms (about 1.5 sliced), lo carb marinara (3-4 TBS or more on preference), and crushed red peppers (just a pinch) makes a delicious lunch! It is lo carb and filling!

I am using the Rubbermaid "easy find lids" 1.25 cup (296 ml) container.

New Day

Man! Yesterday was an emotional day. I got in a funk so now I gotta dig out of it! Sometimes it is easy to get down and be hard on yourself.

I am strong, I am a good person, and I deserve to be happy and healthy.

So, let's see what's been going on with my goals...

I have been trying to get better about what I put in my mouth. I had a few days of slip ups with peanut butter cookies. And a couple days where we ended up having to eat out a few times. I should have planned a little better.

I haven't gotten the hang of measuring food. I feel like I have been guestimating well, I try to add a little more to whatever I think I ate. So that even if I am off a bit I will still have it covered. I have been trying to eat more of the low calorie veggies and less of the more calorie dense parts of the meals. So we have been buying lots of different veggies... Mmmm snap peas...

Activity-wise, my ankle is still hurtingnbut I have been stretching it multiple times a day and trying to get in some form of excersize as many days as I can. We also had a day this week where we took a family walk and picked some fresh blackberries. Everyone seemed to have a good time.

I also have realized I really need to focus on positive self-talk. I need to be able to love myself no matter the size. When you sit down to make a list of things you like about yourself, you should be able to come up with something without there being a but involved.

I am strong, I am a good person, and I deserve to be happy and healthy.

Thoughts on family and friends..

Sometimes family can be a strange beast. No one knows how to lift you up or grind you into the dust better than your family. They know your strengths and your weaknesses. I have always had mixed feelings about my family. I am sure that is in part just due to my nature.

I trust people, often too much, and expect people to show the same trust and care that I try to show. I do not always succeed in showing how I feel about those around me accurately. Some rifts in my familial relationships are because of this. Some are because they just don't understand the background that I am from.

When thinking of my childhood I often think of our home as having two faces. The face that was put forward to the world and the one that hid behind it. I was fortunate not to be in an abusive home, but my home was not normal by any means. Mental illness and the struggle to function often shadowed my youth.

My sister and I had a rift between us for years because of two incidences that would not have happened in a normal home. We just talked out one of them in 2014. It was too hard for me to put into words before then. And low and behold my sister didn't realize she had hurt me. She was just trying to help me see what I was doing could hurt someone but, as a young child herself, she couldn't find the words that an adult would use to help. All of these years those words had haunted me. She has struck me to the core with two small sentences and for 20 plus years I heard them echo through my life. They made me doubt myself and every friendship I had and if I was good enough to be a part of it. It made me never fully invest in friendships and pull back instead of hold fast when I was in trouble. I can't blame her though, she was a child having to parent her sister who was only 3 years younger. She was struggling herself, trying as best as she could to shoulder some of the burden placed on us.

I have a relative who, though they have never out-right said anything to me, does not like me. I can feel it when I am near. They try to push past it, and I respect their efforts, but I can't help wonder what I did. I am afraid to ask in all honesty. I am afraid the answer will be something I can not move past. So, I just smile and pretend I don't feel that sick, slimey feeling in my gut. I will most likely never ask, I would rather love them and not know.

Much of my childhood through my early adukthood, I was drowning slowly, barely able to keep myself afloat long enough to get some air. I have friends who were there for me through the worst times. I am not sure they will ever know how much they saved me, how much they meant to me. I sure as heck never showed it. If I could tell them, I would apologize for pushing them away as often as I did. Sometimes I was barely keeping my head above water and I pushed them away rather than drag them down with me. I wish I could tell them thank you for holding my hand when I did  reached out for one. In those times I needed someone desperately and didn't have the strength to keep going but those few moments of being able to seek shelter with you made it so I was able to find rest and peace for a little while. Thank you for waiting so long before you gave up on me. Thank you for the patience and the forgiveness. I am sorry I never told you. Maybe one day I will...

Check in

Checking in..

So I figured I need to check in and make myself accountable here. Of course the numbers here are embarrassing but I am on a mission to change it so I will not be ashamed that I am working to improve my life. 

HW: 403 lbs 

CW: 384 lbs

1st GW: 339 lbs

Measurements

around belly button 75" (5/12/2016)

around belly button 71.75" (6/13/2016)

Caloric Intake

HC: May 13th 3,290

CC: >1800