Good Enough

This last week has been a tough one. There has been some crazy things going on at work that have totally made me want to stress eat. I have managed to mostly keep things under control.

I have been struggling with my personal fight or flight responses. I tend to push everything away and cocoon into myself. Our scale broke somehow one night, so I haven't weighed myself in a while. I am afraid I haven't lost any weight but at the same time I feel like I am doing better foodwise.

I worry that the ladies who are in charge of me in the Kaiser Bariatric program will not think I want this. I do want to participate in this program and am just trying to slowly work on my own emotional issues, sorting through them and letting go of the things I can and telling myself I am enough. That phtase is the hardest for me. I am enough. There was a movie that came out called Mom's Night Out and let me tell you, it was like someone had found the inner-most emotions in my soul and plastered them on a screen. So much of that movie speaks to me. I like watching it, the scene where the main character talks to a biker in a police station is the most important to me. She keeps saying she isn't enough and he says "Enough for who? For them or for you?" something like that. It is true, when I feel not good enough who is holding the ruler? It is me. I am telling myself I am not good enough.

I have been working on calming this feeling when I feel it. Recognizing that this feeling isn't how the world sees me is very important to this process. I tell myself that I am the only one who can determine my personal value and I am the only one who can make that value stick.

I'm baaaaaack!

I rejoined Planet Fitness last week but kept finding reasons why I couldn't go in to work out. Well, today we got up at 5:30am and went to the gym.

I walked on the treadmill longer than I ever have, may not be much for others, but I was so stoked. Yay me! Was kind of stiff for the rest of the day but it was still worth it.

I need to keep this up if I want to change my life. I don't want to stay where I am.

Pushing Myself

Yesterday I decided to test out something I had secretly feared for a few years. I rode a bike. It was not easy, I had to spend time giving myself a pep talk. All the while A and the neighbor kids were asking my I wasn't just riding and my DH was standing by to support me.

It was too much. I asked them all to leave me to myself. And in the end I had to tell myself "Just go." Ibdidn't go far and I definitely wasn't fast but I did it.

Each time I choose to push past these invisible barriers I feel more empowered. I have also realized that the most important motivator is me. Someone can tell me I can do it a hundred times, but until I tell myself and I believe... it won't happen.

I pray that I can continue to be bold. Continue to push past my barriers. And succeed in all my goals. A healthy, able person. I am tired of saying "I can't" to my son. I want to say "I WILL."

Doggie Camp

Doggie Camp

We have been watching my sister in law's dog and her sister's dog as well for the weekend. It has been interesting to say the least. My dog thinks she is Prom Queen and all the other dogs are beneath her. A has been having a blast having the dogs in his room. I made them all bandanas that say Camp #friendsbyforce. They looks so cute in them!

The good thing about having the dogs is we went on a couple walks, until my ankle started hurting bad enough I had to not go. One day my ankle will be healed. I am focusing on if it feels better than yesterday. It mostly does (with the exception of yesterday). I think the last few tendons are just taking longer to heal.

The pups go home today but I am going to try to take my dog for more walks. It was nice to get out first thing in the morning and enjoy the nice cool air.

Lo Carbin' My Lunch

Lo Carb (Keto) lunch ideas!

Meatballs (4), mozzarella cheese (about 1/8 c), mushrooms (about 1.5 sliced), lo carb marinara (3-4 TBS or more on preference), and crushed red peppers (just a pinch) makes a delicious lunch! It is lo carb and filling!

I am using the Rubbermaid "easy find lids" 1.25 cup (296 ml) container.

New Day

Man! Yesterday was an emotional day. I got in a funk so now I gotta dig out of it! Sometimes it is easy to get down and be hard on yourself.

I am strong, I am a good person, and I deserve to be happy and healthy.

So, let's see what's been going on with my goals...

I have been trying to get better about what I put in my mouth. I had a few days of slip ups with peanut butter cookies. And a couple days where we ended up having to eat out a few times. I should have planned a little better.

I haven't gotten the hang of measuring food. I feel like I have been guestimating well, I try to add a little more to whatever I think I ate. So that even if I am off a bit I will still have it covered. I have been trying to eat more of the low calorie veggies and less of the more calorie dense parts of the meals. So we have been buying lots of different veggies... Mmmm snap peas...

Activity-wise, my ankle is still hurtingnbut I have been stretching it multiple times a day and trying to get in some form of excersize as many days as I can. We also had a day this week where we took a family walk and picked some fresh blackberries. Everyone seemed to have a good time.

I also have realized I really need to focus on positive self-talk. I need to be able to love myself no matter the size. When you sit down to make a list of things you like about yourself, you should be able to come up with something without there being a but involved.

I am strong, I am a good person, and I deserve to be happy and healthy.

Thoughts on family and friends..

Sometimes family can be a strange beast. No one knows how to lift you up or grind you into the dust better than your family. They know your strengths and your weaknesses. I have always had mixed feelings about my family. I am sure that is in part just due to my nature.

I trust people, often too much, and expect people to show the same trust and care that I try to show. I do not always succeed in showing how I feel about those around me accurately. Some rifts in my familial relationships are because of this. Some are because they just don't understand the background that I am from.

When thinking of my childhood I often think of our home as having two faces. The face that was put forward to the world and the one that hid behind it. I was fortunate not to be in an abusive home, but my home was not normal by any means. Mental illness and the struggle to function often shadowed my youth.

My sister and I had a rift between us for years because of two incidences that would not have happened in a normal home. We just talked out one of them in 2014. It was too hard for me to put into words before then. And low and behold my sister didn't realize she had hurt me. She was just trying to help me see what I was doing could hurt someone but, as a young child herself, she couldn't find the words that an adult would use to help. All of these years those words had haunted me. She has struck me to the core with two small sentences and for 20 plus years I heard them echo through my life. They made me doubt myself and every friendship I had and if I was good enough to be a part of it. It made me never fully invest in friendships and pull back instead of hold fast when I was in trouble. I can't blame her though, she was a child having to parent her sister who was only 3 years younger. She was struggling herself, trying as best as she could to shoulder some of the burden placed on us.

I have a relative who, though they have never out-right said anything to me, does not like me. I can feel it when I am near. They try to push past it, and I respect their efforts, but I can't help wonder what I did. I am afraid to ask in all honesty. I am afraid the answer will be something I can not move past. So, I just smile and pretend I don't feel that sick, slimey feeling in my gut. I will most likely never ask, I would rather love them and not know.

Much of my childhood through my early adukthood, I was drowning slowly, barely able to keep myself afloat long enough to get some air. I have friends who were there for me through the worst times. I am not sure they will ever know how much they saved me, how much they meant to me. I sure as heck never showed it. If I could tell them, I would apologize for pushing them away as often as I did. Sometimes I was barely keeping my head above water and I pushed them away rather than drag them down with me. I wish I could tell them thank you for holding my hand when I did  reached out for one. In those times I needed someone desperately and didn't have the strength to keep going but those few moments of being able to seek shelter with you made it so I was able to find rest and peace for a little while. Thank you for waiting so long before you gave up on me. Thank you for the patience and the forgiveness. I am sorry I never told you. Maybe one day I will...

Check in

Checking in..

So I figured I need to check in and make myself accountable here. Of course the numbers here are embarrassing but I am on a mission to change it so I will not be ashamed that I am working to improve my life. 

HW: 403 lbs 

CW: 384 lbs

1st GW: 339 lbs

Measurements

around belly button 75" (5/12/2016)

around belly button 71.75" (6/13/2016)

Caloric Intake

HC: May 13th 3,290

CC: >1800 

Tattoo!

I got a tattoo!

I wanted to get a tattoo for a long time but couldn't decide what to get. I decided I wanted to do something from Alice in Wonderland because there is a meaningful quote for me in the book. One that pertains to my current journey. So to start, I just did Alice. My genius sister in law came up with the idea of getting a butterfly for each 10lbs I loose! So it will be awesome, and I will add the quote at the very end. I have toyed with the idea of adding a door that has a rabbit stained glass window and a keyhole but no knob to make it seem like you can open a door to a new adventure but you may need to find a creative way in. I dunno, something like that.

This was for my birthday to keep me motivated and it was something easy that I have always been afraid to do because I am an anxious person. I have been trying to challenge myself a little without making myself overwhelmed. I have needed a motivation to keep moving forward. I wanted to join the gym again by now but as my ankle is still bugging me I thought I should wait a little longer. I am excited to begin going again. I have decided this time to not go with people and just go alone. That way I don't feel like I have to call a ton of people every time I want to go work out for an hour.

Sometimes You Have to Jump

There are 7 steps for the Kaiser Bariatric program. They say it is self paced and you are the one who drives it. I find that to be fairly true, more often then not I have had to call to get my appointments rather than someone calling me to schedule. I dig that though because it makes me face each step.

Step 1 (completed in June)

* Get a sleep study
* Be current on all health maintenance
* Take the Weight Management Course (12 weeks)

The sleep study could have been done one of two ways, a home sleep study or a sleep clinic study. My husband did the at home study but I opted for the sleep clinic (an hour drive away!!). We originally thought I had so mild a case it may not be detected on the home sleep study. I was fooling myself! I had 52 disturbances an hour!! When exactly was I sleeping? No wonder I was always so tired. The sleep clinic wwas much more homey than I was picturing in my head. And my technician was great! Plus, I didn't have to go through the process of guessing the right air pressure because my tech had that all figured out.

I have talked about the Weight Maintience class before briefly, I really liked the class and I think I may take it again in the future. The support from others in the class was great and being able to ask questions of someone who was educated in the field was wonderful. The down side of it was it was kind of hard to make sense of how I knew I would need to eat post surgery and how the book wanted me to eat. In the end I resolved to eat better than I did "yesterday". It is kind of like taking things a day at a time and made me feel less pressure to be perfect.

** Emotionally, this step was easy. The hardest part was calling up to register for the class.

Step 2 (completed July)
Attend an Orientation meeting

I had previously done this step the first time I entered this program so I was not really suprised by any of the information. However, I feel like the first time I wasn't ready to hear the information. I felt overwhelmed before and this time I felt hopeful and ready.

This process could take longer than I hoped but it will be the correct length of time in the end. If I am not ready for the next step, I won't take it.

** The time between Step 2 and Step 3 has been the hardest for me. You had to fill out a survey about yourself and all I kept thinking is "What if they read this and find me lacking..." There is a certain vulnerability to having to honestly look at your body and your life. This is the step where I decided to make a blog. I didn't necessarily need anyone to read it but I felt that I had something I wanted to say without someone interjecting. So for all of these posts, I wrote exactly what I was thinking proofreading only the sentence I was on and then posted them without re-reading them. I didn't want to be tempted to change my words.

Step 3 (set for September)
From now until September I am working on dry meals (fairly easy as long as there is not a drink in front of me), weighing portions, and activity.

My calf finally healed and my ankle is doing better but isn't completely healed so I am trying to strengthen it while not going overboard. The end goal is to start going back to the gym. I really enjoyed when I went before. My anxiety levels were better and I was much more relaxed. I am excited to get back into it and add it to the knowledge I gained from my Weight Management course.

Time Warp

Last continuation of background story...

Then after we were married we lived happily ever after.... For about 5 minutes! Don't get me wrong I love my big lug but we married young which meant we had a ton of growing up to do, together. Something you learn as kids is sometimes people grow apart. We had to fight to keep things together every step of the way. Good thing I am stubborn. But, Let me tell you something... living on Ramen can get old fast. You would think that an EMT would make decent enough wages but sadly... No. We barely made enough to pay rent. Which, added to our adjustment period for a newly married couple, was frankly not the best thing that could have happened.

So in the blink of an eye it is 2008. We have been married for 3 years and suddenly are expecting our first child. With no savings, hardly any income, and a one bedroom apartment. Fortunatly, my husband's parents were kind enough to let us live with them until we got things figured out. We thought it would be a matter of months. *snort*

We won't go into the messy details of my crazy pregnancy and my odd diet of strictly yogurt, oranges, and nachos with jalapenos. Or my frequenting Target enough that the employees knew my due date. My love of the sale section in any baby aisle. Or my millions of doctor's appointments because I was considered high risk because of my weight and high blood pressure.

Sunday, October 12th at 11pm we checked into the hospital to be induced. I was somehow under the impression it would be cake... now I understand why we feel the need to cheer each other on. "You can do it." "You'll do great!" It has nothing to do with being a mom and everything to do with labor! Well, that's how I feel anyway. Finally, the doctor decided on a c-section because of complications and it seemed like before long (probably the drugs) I was holding my new little baby. And after a few days in the hospital we were on our own.

You know, they don't prepare you for the feeling when you first get home and realize the training wheels are off. A moment of panic before you are able to catch a breath and tell yourself you can do it. They also don't prepare you to relive that feeling every time something does not goes as planned.

In a blink of an eye you have a 7 year old going into second grade and you are scratching your head wondering where the time went.

Weightloss Journey Begins... Officially

All my previous posts have been leading up to this one. The reason why I decided to start a blog. I began a journey to change my future. It was hard to sit with my doctor and ask for help, anything really as ling as I had a path to follow.

Novemeber 2015 I joined the Kaiser Bariatric program. In the beginning, I told only a select few my plan because I was savoring the feeling of taking control. I didn't want a careless word to ruin that for me just yet. However, that choice has been taken from me by a "support" person. So, now I think everyone knows.

I started following the steps laid out for me and discovered a few things about myself:

1. I eat WAY too fast.
2. I have no idea what I put in my mouth.
3. I make excuses for why I can't follow a plan and am not forgiving towards myself. 
4. I need to move more.

So, how do you change that? That's a hard question. Anyone can say you do A B and C and it equals D but if the A and C don't work well for you or you need to re-work it so it makes sense to you, maybe B and E equals D?

I took a class on Weight Management which helped me point out a few of my issues but it didn't always help me to solve said issue. They had ideas, but I still struggled with some of the tips when I tried to put them in to practice.

I eat WAY too fast.
I don't know if it was years of hearing "Hurry up and eat!", having to eat quickly on my break at work, or having a kid and having to quickly eat so I can have some food in my tummy when the kid starts making a ruckus but I wolf my food down. Sometimes it is like I blink and the food us gone, and I take seconds just so I can actually taste it.

I read somewhere that if a meal is taking less than 20 minutes (a snack 10 minutes) to eat than I am eating too fast. I have pondered timing myself to see how long it takes me to eat. I generally eat less at a time (per plate) than my family so I would be finished before them anyway but sometimes it seems like I am done before they begin.

So my thoughts on how to fix this? Simply being aware, I think. Paying attention to the flavor, the texture of the food. Chewing it a ton in my mouth so that I am taking the time to savor it instead of devouring it. This was mentioned in my Weight Management course and I think with work it will help. I know when I tried to pay attention in the class I failed miserably at the 5 minute check in and the HALT method. Now I try to just chew, chew, chew until the food us all soft and just slides down my throat. I hope over time I am able to successfully do the 5 minute check in. I need to re-read the chapter in my book, maybe I didn't understand it well enough. So stay tuned for progress on this. Fingers crossed!

I have no idea what I put in my mouth
Along with wolfing my food come this problem of not realizing what or how much of said food item you ate. Part of the Kaiser Bariatric requirements is to record your food. I had been doing this before but I had stopped a year or so before. So, I decided to eat a regular day and record my food without editing it to make it look like I was doing well with food because.... Hello!? I obviously am not eating right. So I ate for the day and at the end of the night I tried to record what I ate without underestimating. 3000+ calories!! What the heck was I doing?!

They said in class when you track calories you tend to eat 10% or 12% (something like that) less than you did before tracking. That was true for me. I cut down fairly quickly to what myfitnesspal suggested for my weight. It wasn't terribly hard to stay under my calorie goals with the exception of when my period was looming. However, I still wasn't losing how much I thought I should have been.

I make excuses for why I can't follow a plan
One of my husband and I's crutches for not staying with our diets is that we can't while we live with his parents. "They cook too carby", "They make too many cookies.", and "There is always candy around" is a few of the excuses we make. Honestly, it is hard but it also is just an excuse not to make our health and ourselves a priority. We could try harder to resist the baked goods and things that are made that aren't good for us. We could just avoid the candy.

One of the things that struck me in my Weight Management book was it said something about we can change our lifestyle but we cannot force the change on others. If they choose to eat the way we do, awesome! If my friend orders a caramel flippity do dah from Dutch Brothers Coffee, I do not have the right to knock the cup from their hands or guilt them about their choices. I have been trying to make less excuses and make better choices and have found I feel more empowered and positive about making the right choice.

I am not forgiving towards myself
I make mistakes, often. And most people, I am sure, view me as unapologetic and unwilling to admit my mistakes. They are right, but it is not for the reason people would think.

I don't like to admit mistakes to others because I have already berated myself 100 times unmercifully before the person brought it up and I don't want or need someone else to tell me how stupid I was. For years after I have made the mistakes I will berate myself for them and evaluate how I could have done better.

Apologies, the problem with this is I have to admit wrong doing and we have already established my dislike of that. Also, I don't like to say sorry, honestly, because I always thought it meant I was weak. It isn't that I don't feel bad. I do. Always. I remember once when I was a kid I got mad at my best friend K. I told her I hated her and all kinds of ugly things kids say without thinking and stormed off. On the drive home from her house, I bawled. Not because I felt bad but because of the things I said to her and how it must have made her feel. I am not sure if I apologized to her but I still feel that ache when I think about her tiny little sweet face crumpled up in pain because I was careless with my words. I always feel bad when I do something wrong no matter how small.

It took me years to realize being strong is to admit you are wrong, face that, and make it right. I am grateful I realize that now. I am still not great at apologizing or publicly recognizing mistakes but I try.

Why, Molly, does this apply to food and lifestyle changes? Well, let me tell you. When following an eating plan sometimes you slip or fall off the wagon as I am sure many of you know. I tend to be very unkind when I make mistakes related to food as well. I have eatten something I shouldn't have or too much and felt awful. Not just my stomach hurting but my soul. Why would I do this to myself when I know it won't help me. I would get so sick I would end up puking. I thought it was tracking my food that was the issue. I don't believe that now. I believe I need to learn to forgive myself for mistakes. Forgive myself! Why had I never thought of this? You are always told to forgive others for things but how often are you told to forgive yourself? I never heard that growing up although, I am sure some people do.

If I can work on forgiving myself for mistreating my body and loving who I am now in spite of my mistakes, I believe I can change my future. If I can admit I did wrong, apologize to myself, and forgive I can come to enjoy who I am now and still have the desire to better myself. I don't have to be satisfied with who is see in that mirror to love who I am. I am more than what can be seen in that mirror.

I need to move more
Last but definitely not least I need to increase my activity. Over the years I have allowed myself to become a couch lump. I used to play outside and hang out with friends but when you grow up, if you don't pay attention, it is easy to find yourself staying home and not walking.

So I have a goal of getting up and moving 30 minute 5 days a week. Right now, that can getting spotty. I injured my calf and ankle a few weeks apart from each other and the ankle still hurts. I have been trying to at least stretch multiple times a day.

So lastly, Goals.

1. Slow the eating down
2. Choose more wisely what I put in my body.
3. Stop making excuses!
4. Forgive myself
5. MOVE IT!

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

Sometimes I wonder why you think you are such a burden. You gave me life, you put up with my stubborness, and you let me become who I am today. Mistakes were made when I was growing up. What mom doesn't make them? I know, I do but I no longer blame you for those mistakes. Those mistakes shaped who I am today, for good or for bad. I would not trade my childhood, it was mine.

Although I would never want you replaced, I wish I could tell you when I struggle with anxiety without you worrying about how horrible you are for "giving it to me". I wish I could share my fears as a parent without you feeling guilt over a misdeed you felt happened when I was a child. I forgive you Mom. I wish I could tell you how afraid I am when you go into the hospital when you tried to hurt yourself because I am not sure if you will still be my mom when you come out. I wish I didn't dread when I receive phone calls from dad, "Will this be it?".

If I could show you anything and have you understand, I wish you could see your strength through my eyes. How I see you as someone strong enough to deal with pressure unimaginable by most people and still manage to put one foot in front of the other. Even stumbling is a movement forward. Even crawling is progress, I wish you would see how far you have travelled.

I do not wish for a new mom. I do not wish to be sheltered from your troubles. I wish I could share your burden, releave the pressure from you for even a few hours. And I do not want you to stop breathing. Because no matter how old I am, I always need my mom.

Love,
Your Youngest Daughter

A New Adventure...

Continuing from my last post.

A few months after my grandfather passed I met my soon-to-be husband. We happened across eachother on the website Bolt. We exchanged yahoo messenger information and began to chat as much as possible. A few months after we decided to meet. Patrick would fly down to Alburquerque and I would pick him up and drive the 2 hours to Farmington. I had two of my friends come with me because 1. I had never driven in ABQ before and 2. Less likely to be featured on the 10 o'clock news....

The drive down I was so nervous! And I remember the first second I saw him he looked super nervous and scared too. I remember his hand shaking when I held it. I was living in an apartment at the time with a friend. It was kind of odd having a man under our roof. The highlight of the trip was when my parents found out he was in town. My mom had taken me to the doctor for a check up and wanted to spend the day together since it was her birthday. I knew I had to tell her about my visitor or he would be stuck at my apartment all day alone.

"Mom... You aren't going to be happy with me. I met a guy online and he is at my house right now. So can he come, I kind of want you to meet him." I laugh now, I just tossed it all out there on the table.

As we returned to the van I noticed my mom just hung up the phone. "I bet that was my dad...." I whispered to P. Sure enough....

"Your dad is going to join us for lunch." I could see P starting to sweat bullets in the back seat.

We went to Wendys and soon my dad pulled up in his work truck. He got out of the car and I could tell right away he had his "cop mode" turned on. He was a police officer for a while when I was young and sometimes his mannerisms would reflect that. He had his chest all puffed up and a no-nonsense "don't try anything funny" look on his face. He came in, P stood up and I introduced them. My father visibly relaxed when P said "Nice to meet you, sir." the rest of lunch was pretty much uneventful as my parents got to know P a little, I could tell they at least liked him a little by the end.

The week went by really fast as we spent time with each other, we went to a movie, checked out the local shops, and hung out at my work a little while I was working.  When P went home he told his mom that he thought I was "the one".

That Decemeber I went up and met his family in Washington. I also moved back in with my parents to save money (which I of course did not do). When I arrived at the airport I ran into P's best friend and he walked up to me saying "You must be Mallory, I am C, nice to meet you. P is around here somewhere looking for you." The drive home was filled with tales of their adventures until C fell asleep in the back seat with dreams of Carl's Jr in his head. The first thing he said when we arrived back at P's house was "This isn't Carl's". While I was in town we went on a double date with his sister and her boyfriend at the time at the zoo, played video games with his best friend who was leaving in a few days to join the navy, and celebrated Christmas. The last weekend before I went home we went to the Oregon coast and spent some time there. I still love the coast as much as when I first saw it. I also spent a fair amount of time crying as this was the first Christmas without my Grandfather and I chose to spend it away from home partly because of that.

January I got sick from too little sleep. Getting 3 or so hours of sleep a night does not work for me. I am one of those people who need a good 8+ to not be a zombie. While I was sick, I realized I also had been neglecting my roomie. While trying to balance 32 hours of work, 18 credit hours of school, a boyfriend, and a friend, I succeeded at sucking at everything. School started to suffer and I was struggling with the desire to go, work was frustrating, and both P and my friend M were angry with me because I didn't have enough time for both of them. This lead up to Patrick and I's first real fight. We had to decide if the whole long distance thing was worth it or to just call it quits. Let me tell you, it was not an easy choice. Long distance relationships are hard. In the end I decided I was going to fight for us and convinced P to keep fighting too.

In March he came to visit again. I remember my dad asking before P arrived if we were getting engaged this time. I told him we had discussed it. I shoudl add here that my parents must have really liked him, they allowed him to sleep in the guest room in our house. We were so weird, we picked engagement rings out before we were officially engaged. He proposed in Berg park on one of the bridges. The ring I chose would serve as my engagement ring and also my wedding ring. We discussed where we wanted to live and we decided upon Washington. I remember meeting with my parents for lunch to tell them we were engaged at a Chinese buffet. The most memorable part of the whole conversation was my father telling P that once he married me there were no give backs.

Over the next few months we had many discussions about when we wanted to get married. P wanted to get married in August and I wanted to get married in Decemeber for some crazy reason. Partly because I was not sure we could pull off a wedding that quick and partly because I kind of wanted a wintry theme.

In October, P flew down to help me drive up to Washington. My car broke down before we even left town. Finally, after the repairs we were able to make the drive. I don't remember much of it, it snowed at one point in Utah. We arrived at our new apartment and were able to rest a little.

I think everyone's first home is a little shady. Our's was not the best place but we loved it non-the-less. We expirienced many things together in our little hovel a shooting, and earthquake, and a tornado to name a few. The month and a half or so until our wedding passed quickly.

Before we knew it December arrived and it was time to commit to each other. The wedding was a blur really, it wasn't exactly what I wanted but it served it's purpose. P's best man C barely made it home from the Navy the morning of the wedding.

In the Beginning...

I have struggled with my weight beginning in 4th grade if I am honest, I just didn't realize I was struggling. I was not as active or was not eating as well as I should have been, it is hard to say. I wish I would have been able to convince my parents to let me play soccer. When I asked "You will just quit it like you did Girl Scout and dance." was my answer, I accepted what she said must be true and moved on.

The summer before 6th grade we moved from the only home I had ever known, away from everything that was familiar and safe to a new town. It was hard to move and start over with friends and I soon became depressed, I didn't have as many outward signs as my sister so my parents didn't notice, or maybe because my signs weren't smoking, fighting, and hanging out with the wrong crowd. You would think a 11 year old going to bed at 5 pm would be a red flag for a parent... I don't know, maybe not. And when I was asked how I was doing I of course said I was fine, I didn't want to make any more waves than my sister was. She was having a much harder time adjusting so I tried to slide below he radar. Artesia was a hard place to live, people would rather use their fists to solve problems than their words. It was not easy for me to understand their quick jumps to violence, I didn't understand what exactly it was supposed to solve. One day I kept count of the fights I heard of and witnessed in one day, FIVE!! There were clumps of hair in the hallway that day, I remember looking at them and thinking "Did ripping that out of her head make _____ feel better?", I know it did not make me feel better to watch.

During this time is when I feel like I began to lose myself. I would sometimes have to talk my way out of situations by making myself seem bigger and scarier than I really was. I started to loose who I was. 

In 2000 we moved back to Farmington and so I had to find where I fit in with my old friends, make new ones, and find some way to be able to thrive. It was not easy and I soon realized I did not really fit with my old friends anymore. I set out to make new ones and the going was rough. I again had to rely on lies and deception to keep myself from trouble, to impress people, or to scare them. I got my first job at age 16 at Subway, when I say i got my first job... I mean my mom got it for me by talking to the owners. I had to sit down for an interview just to follow procedure but I was told I was already hired even if the manager didn't like me. I made many mistakes working in the mall store. I caused trouble damage I could not repair with an I'm sorry. I was good at causing problems and somehow coming out unscathed (on the outside). The inside was another matter, I felt the pain of each person I threw under the bus, each person who I hurt.

At one point I wanted to join cross country to try to help myself get more active, my mom's response was "That's a lot of running I don't think you will like it." So, I didn't try out and I didn't start running. I spent that year in a gym class that almost 95% of the year we sat on the bleachers and did nothing. I didn't fight for myself, I didn't make waves, I just let myself slowly sink.

My senior year of high school went by quickly and with the end of school I took a break for the summer from school and working at Subway. In the fall I chose to start taking classes at the community college and was enjoying it. I chose to follow the format for Arts and Technology degree. We learned about mass media, advertising, web design, book/magazine publishing, photography, it was very fun. I joined a program for people who came from a family where there had been no college degrees, they worked to help you keep going in school and keep motivated.

In March of 2004 my Grandfather Freestone died suddenly, my grandma had called and asked me to put my dad on the phone. I did, but I didn't hang up my receiver. I will never forget hearing her talking to the EMS crew in the background and what she told my father. I wish I had hung up. We all went to the hospital and were shown to the room my Grandpa's body was in, we waiting in there with him for hours for my uncles in come. One had an hour and a half to drive and the other flew in from Salt Lake. I sat in the back of the room unnoticed as I looked at the man who had been so strong, kind, and large. He was the leader of our family and as I watched him fall in on himself, I realized that was the future of our family, collapse. I kept expecting him to wake up. When I was finally noticed and sent home I had come to a realization. I had made an excuse to not go over to his house the weekend before because I didn't want to spend time with my grandmother. I missed out on my last interaction with my grandfather out of selfishness.