I have struggled with my weight beginning in 4th grade if I am honest, I just didn't realize I was struggling. I was not as active or was not eating as well as I should have been, it is hard to say. I wish I would have been able to convince my parents to let me play soccer. When I asked "You will just quit it like you did Girl Scout and dance." was my answer, I accepted what she said must be true and moved on.
The summer before 6th grade we moved from the only home I had ever known, away from everything that was familiar and safe to a new town. It was hard to move and start over with friends and I soon became depressed, I didn't have as many outward signs as my sister so my parents didn't notice, or maybe because my signs weren't smoking, fighting, and hanging out with the wrong crowd. You would think a 11 year old going to bed at 5 pm would be a red flag for a parent... I don't know, maybe not. And when I was asked how I was doing I of course said I was fine, I didn't want to make any more waves than my sister was. She was having a much harder time adjusting so I tried to slide below he radar. Artesia was a hard place to live, people would rather use their fists to solve problems than their words. It was not easy for me to understand their quick jumps to violence, I didn't understand what exactly it was supposed to solve. One day I kept count of the fights I heard of and witnessed in one day, FIVE!! There were clumps of hair in the hallway that day, I remember looking at them and thinking "Did ripping that out of her head make _____ feel better?", I know it did not make me feel better to watch.
During this time is when I feel like I began to lose myself. I would sometimes have to talk my way out of situations by making myself seem bigger and scarier than I really was. I started to loose who I was.
In 2000 we moved back to Farmington and so I had to find where I fit in with my old friends, make new ones, and find some way to be able to thrive. It was not easy and I soon realized I did not really fit with my old friends anymore. I set out to make new ones and the going was rough. I again had to rely on lies and deception to keep myself from trouble, to impress people, or to scare them. I got my first job at age 16 at Subway, when I say i got my first job... I mean my mom got it for me by talking to the owners. I had to sit down for an interview just to follow procedure but I was told I was already hired even if the manager didn't like me. I made many mistakes working in the mall store. I caused
At one point I wanted to join cross country to try to help myself get more active, my mom's response was "That's a lot of running I don't think you will like it." So, I didn't try out and I didn't start running. I spent that year in a gym class that almost 95% of the year we sat on the bleachers and did nothing. I didn't fight for myself, I didn't make waves, I just let myself slowly sink.
My senior year of high school went by quickly and with the end of school I took a break for the summer from school and working at Subway. In the fall I chose to start taking classes at the community college and was enjoying it. I chose to follow the format for Arts and Technology degree. We learned about mass media, advertising, web design, book/magazine publishing, photography, it was very fun. I joined a program for people who came from a family where there had been no college degrees, they worked to help you keep going in school and keep motivated.
In March of 2004 my Grandfather Freestone died suddenly, my grandma had called and asked me to put my dad on the phone. I did, but I didn't hang up my receiver. I will never forget hearing her talking to the EMS crew in the background and what she told my father. I wish I had hung up. We all went to the hospital and were shown to the room my Grandpa's body was in, we waiting in there with him for hours for my uncles in come. One had an hour and a half to drive and the other flew in from Salt Lake. I sat in the back of the room unnoticed as I looked at the man who had been so strong, kind, and large. He was the leader of our family and as I watched him fall in on himself, I realized that was the future of our family, collapse. I kept expecting him to wake up. When I was finally noticed and sent home I had come to a realization. I had made an excuse to not go over to his house the weekend before because I didn't want to spend time with my grandmother. I missed out on my last interaction with my grandfather out of selfishness.
No comments:
Post a Comment