All my previous posts have been leading up to this one. The reason why I decided to start a blog. I began a journey to change my future. It was hard to sit with my doctor and ask for help, anything really as ling as I had a path to follow.
Novemeber 2015 I joined the Kaiser Bariatric program. In the beginning, I told only a select few my plan because I was savoring the feeling of taking control. I didn't want a careless word to ruin that for me just yet. However, that choice has been taken from me by a "support" person. So, now I think everyone knows.
I started following the steps laid out for me and discovered a few things about myself:
1. I eat WAY too fast.
2. I have no idea what I put in my mouth.
3. I make excuses for why I can't follow a plan and am not forgiving towards myself.
4. I need to move more.
So, how do you change that? That's a hard question. Anyone can say you do A B and C and it equals D but if the A and C don't work well for you or you need to re-work it so it makes sense to you, maybe B and E equals D?
I took a class on Weight Management which helped me point out a few of my issues but it didn't always help me to solve said issue. They had ideas, but I still struggled with some of the tips when I tried to put them in to practice.
I eat WAY too fast.
I don't know if it was years of hearing "Hurry up and eat!", having to eat quickly on my break at work, or having a kid and having to quickly eat so I can have some food in my tummy when the kid starts making a ruckus but I wolf my food down. Sometimes it is like I blink and the food us gone, and I take seconds just so I can actually taste it.
I read somewhere that if a meal is taking less than 20 minutes (a snack 10 minutes) to eat than I am eating too fast. I have pondered timing myself to see how long it takes me to eat. I generally eat less at a time (per plate) than my family so I would be finished before them anyway but sometimes it seems like I am done before they begin.
So my thoughts on how to fix this? Simply being aware, I think. Paying attention to the flavor, the texture of the food. Chewing it a ton in my mouth so that I am taking the time to savor it instead of devouring it. This was mentioned in my Weight Management course and I think with work it will help. I know when I tried to pay attention in the class I failed miserably at the 5 minute check in and the HALT method. Now I try to just chew, chew, chew until the food us all soft and just slides down my throat. I hope over time I am able to successfully do the 5 minute check in. I need to re-read the chapter in my book, maybe I didn't understand it well enough. So stay tuned for progress on this. Fingers crossed!
I have no idea what I put in my mouth
Along with wolfing my food come this problem of not realizing what or how much of said food item you ate. Part of the Kaiser Bariatric requirements is to record your food. I had been doing this before but I had stopped a year or so before. So, I decided to eat a regular day and record my food without editing it to make it look like I was doing well with food because.... Hello!? I obviously am not eating right. So I ate for the day and at the end of the night I tried to record what I ate without underestimating. 3000+ calories!! What the heck was I doing?!
They said in class when you track calories you tend to eat 10% or 12% (something like that) less than you did before tracking. That was true for me. I cut down fairly quickly to what myfitnesspal suggested for my weight. It wasn't terribly hard to stay under my calorie goals with the exception of when my period was looming. However, I still wasn't losing how much I thought I should have been.
I make excuses for why I can't follow a plan
One of my husband and I's crutches for not staying with our diets is that we can't while we live with his parents. "They cook too carby", "They make too many cookies.", and "There is always candy around" is a few of the excuses we make. Honestly, it is hard but it also is just an excuse not to make our health and ourselves a priority. We could try harder to resist the baked goods and things that are made that aren't good for us. We could just avoid the candy.
One of the things that struck me in my Weight Management book was it said something about we can change our lifestyle but we cannot force the change on others. If they choose to eat the way we do, awesome! If my friend orders a caramel flippity do dah from Dutch Brothers Coffee, I do not have the right to knock the cup from their hands or guilt them about their choices. I have been trying to make less excuses and make better choices and have found I feel more empowered and positive about making the right choice.
I am not forgiving towards myself
I make mistakes, often. And most people, I am sure, view me as unapologetic and unwilling to admit my mistakes. They are right, but it is not for the reason people would think.
I don't like to admit mistakes to others because I have already berated myself 100 times unmercifully before the person brought it up and I don't want or need someone else to tell me how stupid I was. For years after I have made the mistakes I will berate myself for them and evaluate how I could have done better.
Apologies, the problem with this is I have to admit wrong doing and we have already established my dislike of that. Also, I don't like to say sorry, honestly, because I always thought it meant I was weak. It isn't that I don't feel bad. I do. Always. I remember once when I was a kid I got mad at my best friend K. I told her I hated her and all kinds of ugly things kids say without thinking and stormed off. On the drive home from her house, I bawled. Not because I felt bad but because of the things I said to her and how it must have made her feel. I am not sure if I apologized to her but I still feel that ache when I think about her tiny little sweet face crumpled up in pain because I was careless with my words. I always feel bad when I do something wrong no matter how small.
It took me years to realize being strong is to admit you are wrong, face that, and make it right. I am grateful I realize that now. I am still not great at apologizing or publicly recognizing mistakes but I try.
Why, Molly, does this apply to food and lifestyle changes? Well, let me tell you. When following an eating plan sometimes you slip or fall off the wagon as I am sure many of you know. I tend to be very unkind when I make mistakes related to food as well. I have eatten something I shouldn't have or too much and felt awful. Not just my stomach hurting but my soul. Why would I do this to myself when I know it won't help me. I would get so sick I would end up puking. I thought it was tracking my food that was the issue. I don't believe that now. I believe I need to learn to forgive myself for mistakes. Forgive myself! Why had I never thought of this? You are always told to forgive others for things but how often are you told to forgive yourself? I never heard that growing up although, I am sure some people do.
If I can work on forgiving myself for mistreating my body and loving who I am now in spite of my mistakes, I believe I can change my future. If I can admit I did wrong, apologize to myself, and forgive I can come to enjoy who I am now and still have the desire to better myself. I don't have to be satisfied with who is see in that mirror to love who I am. I am more than what can be seen in that mirror.
I need to move more
Last but definitely not least I need to increase my activity. Over the years I have allowed myself to become a couch lump. I used to play outside and hang out with friends but when you grow up, if you don't pay attention, it is easy to find yourself staying home and not walking.
So I have a goal of getting up and moving 30 minute 5 days a week. Right now, that can getting spotty. I injured my calf and ankle a few weeks apart from each other and the ankle still hurts. I have been trying to at least stretch multiple times a day.
So lastly, Goals.
1. Slow the eating down
2. Choose more wisely what I put in my body.
3. Stop making excuses!
4. Forgive myself
5. MOVE IT!
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